I have an auld friend

[claymore]

Who has expressed an interest in an Irish Sea cruise from Fleetwood in early June.

Knowing that his sailing days are becoming numbered as infirmity creeps on, I am minded to make the days not overly long but there is no avoiding the 9 hours or so across to the IOM.

As the Blackpool and Fleetwood area has a fairly high population of elderly retired gentlefolk, there is a good choice of mobility shops and specialist outlets for aids and devices to counter some of the physical restrictions and disadvantages that can come as a result of advancing years.

I've noticed a device for collecting urine which appears to involve attaching a frenchie with a tube and bag to the willie and this allows any bladder emptying to take place without mishap and damp trousers.

I am keen to purchase such a device but have a number of issues that I need to resolve, namely:

I don't know how big (or small) the auld skinflints willie is and am not sure how I could find out. I would rather not adopt the direct approach and ask his wife as she may get the wrong idea.

Do I just say - "if you are sailing with me, you have to wear this" or is there a more subtle way of communicating this vital message. - it will stop him getting jammed in the heads and potentially could reduce the risk of the silly old sod falling overboard although I remember he does seem to delight in flashing at passing seagulls so may feel that I am restricting his fun.

All help and advice gratefully received as ever....

[jim.r]

Nick his cigarettes, and refill them with grass , that'll keep him happy!

[Arghiro]

I am surprised that you do not know the correct size for this "friend". It is often a euphamism for oneself when one asks about "a friend".

[claymore]

Ye eejit - of course I know the size of ma own willie - its Para that I'm asking about

[jim.r]

.. so you are indeed referring to your wrinkled retainer?

[ParaHandy]

youse pair orra eejits ..

now, as it happens, whilst packing the truck to spend a hol with the grandchildren in france, i saw a red bum sized object fer a very small person to wee into or, so i'm told.

[claymore]

Small....in what sense, my wrinkled retainer?