A friend tells me ..

[ParaHandy]

.. he's jist fitted his new auto-pilot. Noo, his auld tub hasnae moved aff ra hard fer a season or two as he's daeing orra much schmoozing at venues in London and receiving awards frae some braw lassies whose statuesque proportions means thur nipples are conveniently at hus eye level.

Jings, ahm thinking that fitting tae his tub a pair of wheels and a tow hook micht be mair useful?

[FullCircle]

.. he's jist fitted his new auto-pilot. Noo, his auld tub hasnae moved aff ra hard fer a season or two as he's daeing orra much schmoozing at venues in London and receiving awards frae some braw lassies whose statuesque proportions means thur nipples are conveniently at hus eye level.

Jings, ahm thinking that fitting tae his tub a pair of wheels and a tow hook micht be mair useful?

A libellous slur that only the best of friends can throw without fear of litigation.

I await the great mans reply.

[sahona]

Well, if he's been blinded, I hope the new autopilot knows the way to Malfart otherwise it could be sense of smell all the way...

[claymore]

Noo lissen youse - ye lobster-chompin auld gizzard. Ah'll hev ye ken aboot ma dissappointment. Ah hev recently attempted a puchase o ra Brian Navin Nairth See Pilotty tae see us across tae the land o the bacon makers an Ammerzone are tellin me they've nane in stock.
Jings - Irish sea fer anither season - then Ah'm thinking tae dae ra Chents cruise in 2010 in ma fine shup afore she heeds aff up ra Caledonian an oot across tae yon Skagerrak.
Ony mair o' yer daft nonsense an yer berth is cancelled.
Come tae think O' it - thas' whit yer mither shuild hae done a' they years ago....

[little boy blue]

if you are intent on xing the n. sea from inverness to the kattegat you may be wasting your money on brian navin`s book.

[FullCircle]

Noo lissen youse - ye lobster-chompin auld gizzard. Ah'll hev ye ken aboot ma dissappointment. Ah hev recently attempted a puchase o ra Brian Navin Nairth See Pilotty tae see us across tae the land o the bacon makers an Ammerzone are tellin me they've nane in stock.
Jings - Irish sea fer anither season - then Ah'm thinking tae dae ra Chents cruise in 2010 in ma fine shup afore she heeds aff up ra Caledonian an oot across tae yon Skagerrak.
Ony mair o' yer daft nonsense an yer berth is cancelled.
Come tae think O' it - thas' whit yer mither shuild hae done a' they years ago....

My Dear Claysie. I have Mr Navin's fine tome. So deeply impressed was I , that I have ingested its whole content, and committed it to first line memory. Well, damn near anyway.
If you should require this finely honed narrative, PM me with your address and I will send it out on long term loan, so you may slaver over Eastern destinations until you can bear it no more.