BLUEMOMENT

Earlier this year I travelled on an airline owned by an Irishman and was fair affronted at the charges. A particularly corpulent person ahent in the queue at the check-in was asked to pay for an extra seat as assuredly he'd have to occupy it or suffocate the occupant.

Now, the owner of a marine pleasure craft is advertising passage from Blackpool to Melfort in the spring of next year. I have signed on and a deposit paid to an agent. However, I am now the recipient of messages - most only obliquely referring to me by name and are thus dastasrdly, scurrilous and assuredly the work of the devil's spawn - which suggest that I should have read the small print of the T&Cs which, apparently, darkly allude to an indeterminate fate likely to befall passengers whose weight is "unsustainable" whatever that means. I might add that the agent refuses to return my calls far less my money. I am stuck?

1) Is this vessel safe?
2) Is any person aboard safe from the captain's grasping?

Dear Client
The terms and conditions for your forthcoming venture on the noble yacht Claymore indicate that your 2nd stage payment is due on December 24th.

Our MD has been reviewing this and I am sure you will be delighted to learn that this payment has now been deferred until February 1st. This is an act of seasonal goodwill and we hope that it will be seen and communicated as such...

Dear Captain

Thank you for the most amazingly generous offer to defer the 2nd stage payment to 1st February. People don't revere you as the Bill Gates of the cruising industry fer nothing.

Could I please ask for a cabin upgrade?

Yrs sincerely

Dear Client
Our shipping agent has informed us of your increased bulk. The trim of the vessel is always close to her Master's heart and this is to inform you that you have indeed been moved from the forepeak and will now be situate in the saloon on one of our lower berths.

I'd tell the fat fekker he's no coming until he loses a couple o' stane

Dear Captain

I hope when we join youse at yer table that the short-airsed wee jamesie will be eating his supper elsewhere - I believe that the masherator has a low slung fold-down seat appropriate fer a dwarf and has a door which could be closed thus preventing us frae hearing his chunterings.

Yours in hope

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAg0lUYHHFc" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Enjoy

B

So_Sage_of_Lorne wrote:Enjoy B

[Getting off the plane] "if ye huv'nae prepaid to use the fekking steps, you gotta jump" !!!
brilliant ..!

Its given me a couple of ideas for increasing ma payload wi cunning employment o' ra dinghy

Have you not just recently expended considerable willpower in reducing your payload?